Below is the second monthly column by Richard Taylor. He has been living with the diagnosis of Dementia of the Alzheimer's Type (DAT) for almost five years. Many of you know him from his thoughtful responses to articles in The Alzheimer's Daily News. His column reflects only his feelings and thoughts. He does not claim to represent anyone else with the disease nor how they may think or feel. However, we do believe his words resonate with deep wisdom and inform all of us, whether we are caring for a loved one, living first hand with the disease or trying to learn more about Alzheimer's disease. We encourage you to respond to Richard's views.

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"Me paranoid? What are you accusing me of now?"

What is it about this disease that causes people to characterize me as someone who is acting as if he was paranoid (a psychological disorder characterized by delusions of persecution)? I act this way only because others have changed they way they act towards me.

When people (not just any people: my family and my caregivers) begin to talk with each other - surely about me - and don't include me in the conversation; when people talk about me as if I was not in the room; when phone conversations are cut short when I enter a room; when "knowing glances" are exchanged; when I am left out of discussions, planning sessions, family updates -all of which I used to be included in prior to my diagnosis; when I just don't seem to know what is going on; is it any wonder that I feel as if I am being persecuted - because of my disease?

I am moving towards the "need to know" classification in my own family, in my own house. Family and friends have started to look at me as if I were someone else, someone who was near death, someone who was "out of it," someone who doesn't need to know and probably couldn't understand even if "it" was explained it to me. They look sad when they look at me. They avoid looking at me directly in my eyes. Their tone of voice is tinged with frustration and sometimes condescendence.

Am I suffering from a "psychological disorder" or am I exhibiting a reasonable response based upon a logical assessment of how others act towards me? Yes, you are right I am feeling persecuted, but that does not make me paranoid! And what if I am, suffering from a psychological disorder, that is? Is it any wonder, given the way people are treating me? Am I being driven into a paranoid world in which I am overly suspicious of even the most innocent of behaviors?

I don't want to be suspicious of the motives and actions of the people I love, but they leave me no choice. They are no longer up front with me. They tell me the reason is "they don't want to argue with me," so they just plan behind my back and announce things as accomplished facts, "not open for discussion."

Whenever one of them begins a conversation with "We have decided" I think to myself "Uh, oh, here it comes: another pronouncement which will further disable me from doing what I want to do."

I don't seek pity for my plight, but I do want people to consider what it feels like when they act like this ... of course, "on my behalf". And I do want others to realize that I often know what you are doing, and it makes me mad, sad, and defensive.

Is it any wonder that I increasingly stay within myself? I find it much better not to talk than to talk. It feels safer (though lonelier) inside than outside. There are no surprises, I am in control, and I know what is going on all the time.

Am I the one with the disorder? You decide, or at least reconsider and push yourself to be more engaged with me. Even if I argue, misunderstand, become more emotional, and sometimes feel paranoid. Please!